up and down, left and right

i reached the age of twenty around two months ago and at that time i felt superior and matured enough to handle my own business.

mom bought me a key, indicating that i can be fleed from their supervision.

Besides the feeling of "matured" and the aging signs, i still think i am still weak and young and immature all in all.

being the second youngest in my family, i tend to have all the decisions made, rely on my parents and sisters for everything. whenever i encountered difficulties, i will go to my dad ( something more technical ) and my sisters ( something non technical ).

i have no worries about clothing, i got second-hand clothes from them, (sisters) when i was younger, which means i just accept things that have been arranged accordingly. even the University i’m studying now. i went because i got it by chance, by luck and not by fighting for it. im studying in BIS, because i simply clicked when i apply for the courses. (i didn’t apply for ENGINEERING, because not interested, not because i was not offered). you see, things come and i just follow.

recenlty, major changes took place in my life, well, i should say in everyone’s life, who was involved ,either directly or indirectly could feel the impact of the changes.

things no longer come in a smooth way. sleeps no longer sweet every night.

i have no guidance to handle this situation. i have no sisters by my side to tell me to do this and that, cause it is way too serious. (they have got their "major" problem to face, which they can’t be here, with me, to cure him). the worst part : i don’t know what to tell or say to him, to reassure him things gonna be fine, cause i know that it is not so easy.

at times, i feel like slapping him for his stereotyping thinking. but to think more about it, he is a patience, a victim but also the creator of everything.

it is hard to blame him, the one who you adore, care, love, respect the most for everything.

things are very very hard to be taken care of. i was very ignorance all these while, cause i tend to learn and hear things that i want to know, the rest which is non of my business, i dont give it a damn. whenever i want to know that particular answer, i just ask around. in short i take things for granted. but now, i need to apply things that "not my concern before" in my life now. sigh.

i just feel like running away.

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