up and down, left and right

http://immasturpigedeatbaffalo.blogspot.com

its almost towards the end of the year. its gonna be CNY vy soon. but im not feeling excited or happy.

i already duno how to react to the situations. it looks pretty fine on the surface but i know, i know its not gonna be so easy to handle because it involves everyone’s feelings, trust and love.

How to take good care of both of them at the same time, without one party feeling neglected or ignored?

Just kill me. it just kills me seeing either one of them feeling sad or unwanted. i love both of them.

God, i really pray for miracle. I just want both of them to be happy and move on with their lives without one of them by their side.

Miracle? what type of miracle?
time? do you want to travel back time? if everthing gonna be the same again, will you still want to go back to that point again and suffer all over again?
love? its not gonna be the same again..

this is why the world has becomes so selfish nowadays. it is just too complicated and hard to satisfy everyone, anyone.

and there is a bunch of idiot ppl who just get annoyed by the way others dressing up. YOU mf, what era are you living in?

You expect changes, but not too drastic one?

hhmmm… haih. Life~

1. The most recent picture of yourself

2. A picture of you showing Peace Sign

3. A picture of you and your friend

4.A picture of you at a weird / random place:

5. A picture of you in black n white:

6, A picture of you and your hair up:

7 A picture of you with a weird face:

8. A picture of you wearing black coloured shirt:

9.  picture of you wearing red coloured shirt:

10. A picture of you wearing green coloured shirt:

11. A picture of you with your Halloween costume:

12. A picture with your mouth open:

Hmm, I know i’m bad, beat you for no reason, utter nonsense words, keep silence for all the times, show long faces….

Blame it on the monthly Aunty Visit, please…

i just came back from a camp in Tapah this morning, it was a 2D1N camp. It’s been so long i’ve never been to a camp, the last one was the PERMATA camp during my foundation.

Surprisingly, i was very discipline throughout the camp, wasn’t yelling or shouting. one reason is because most of the camps i attended during my high school were St John camps. I wonder if it is good or bad, because i was very cool throughout the days. I wasn’t socializing. i went back to my chalet when everyone else is having BBQ. I kept my mouth shut when everyone else is talking about their life.

i think it shall be good, keeping as low profile as i can because i might ended up people hating me, right?

In the end of the day, i learned a few things.
1. Good leaders do not provoke anger but think of ways to solve the anger.
2. There is nothing which is impossible if Anne Sivillian ( i hope the spelling is correct ) can teach a dumb, deaf and blind girl to communicate with others.
3. Plan your time wisely and you can’t be giving ,"Oh, i don’t have time" excuses anymore.

besides these, i also learned a lot from this camp, which is to open up your heart to accept anything new, weird or dislike. Well, I’m learning not to complain so much first. =P

Huhu. Finals is within 2 weeks, i can’t wait to go holidays again.

"Life is like a dick, when you get hard, it fucks."
"Dear God, if u can’t make me thin, please make my friends fat"

yes, He is listening, so, my FRIENDS, beware. Hehe

it’s September 3rd 2007, can u imagine how fast time flies?

i have alot of hatred towards myself, for, the reasons i made my life so miserables and complicated yet unfulfilled.

why can’t i be more persistent and strong in making every decisions and would not regret when i looking back on what ive done?

Why must i behaving in an attitude which makes everyone turn off on me?

i have been out of my mind recently, reason? i m not so sure though. but i would like to know, ppl out there, would you be kind enough to drop me a line or two to descibe me? be true and i would accept it. thanks.

-

i read an article about why you hate someone so particular, it is because u are jealous of that person and wanted to be him/her, therefore you hate him.her.

true? yeah, i think its true. most of the time, ppl that i dun really like because they are those i am jealous and how i wished i could be her/him.

Life is truely not so fair overall.

i wished to be have faith in God, sometimes, i just want to believe in myself. contradicting?

I want to travel time back, can i?

i would stand up on my own feet again if i love myself more than i love you.

its 9.00 am, and another 30 minutes later, im going to klang!!!!!

it is excited as i will be meeting my old friends in the club, well, nervous as i have not been training since i left secondary school…..

pray for me, for my teeth(carina insisted that my teeth would be broken), haha, for everything!!!

i miss someone right now!!!!

Salahkah aku
Mencintaimu
Memilikimu
Menyayangimu

Jangan paksakan kita untuk
Slalu bersama
Jangan paksakan kita untuk
Slalu mencinta

Salahkah aku
Mencintaimu
Memilikimu
Menyayangimu

Bila kita harus berpisah, sudah
Biarkan ini semua berakhir, sudah
Cinta memang tak harus miliki

***************

is it wrong that i love you? is it wrong that i get jeolous? is it wrong that ….

i cant stop my mind from stop thinking, cant stop listening to those annoying thoughts that come out from nowhere but my heart. I hate that i dont trust you.

all i can do is to blame myself, for all that happened. maybe when i no longer here, things would be better for you and everyone and i might … happy?

i would feel better if you scold me, shout at me rather than silence.

sampai bilakah kita akan begini? permainan yang sepatutnya mengembirakan, menghairahkan menjadi beban yang berat and susah dipikul?

perpisahan sememangnya menyedihkan, memilukan dan menyayat hati, tapi sampai bilakah kamu harus memikul saya yang menyeksakan, membencikan?

saya tak rela, saya tak enggan lepaskan, tetapi demi kamu, saya perlu supaya kamu dapat mencari kebahagiaan kamu, jikalau kamu gembira, saya akan restukan dan turut menumpang kegembiraan kamu. usah hiraukan perasaan saya, masalah saya kerana saya sudah dewasa dan saya perlu berdiri di atas kaki saya semula. saya telah melalui pengalaman yang perit dan susah, tak susah untuk saya melaluinya sekali lagi, apakah perpisahan itu untuk saya?

saya masih cintai kamu.

this sem is really a tiring sem..promised to myself that i want to score better than previous one, so im determined not to study at the very last minute. but well……
its the ending of 3rd week, and believe me, i’ve not touch any of my books yet. thats add another sad face.

as you all know, my eyes are single-eyelid and they would turn double when im cry or tired or lack of sleep. its really rare that both my eyes become double eyelid, but today i woke up with double eyelid on both my eyes @@.

things are not getting on hand recently and i am mad at myself because i still cant get rid off my super high level of jealousy, and super low self esteem. :(:(:(

i’ve been telling myself to be proud of who i am, despite the look and appearance i have, i must be proud and happy. ok.
i’ve been telling myself to not be a burden of the other people, i must stand on my own foot and be independent! ok.

i realize something, UTP is really not a good place coz whenever im here, i feel very stressed out and emotional. maybe the feeling of being kept isn’t good. or maybe here has a lot of negative karma….

hehe.